We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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