There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
