I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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