I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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