He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
