i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
