fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
