Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it was like eating out sand paper
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
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