You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
