Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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