Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
as a side note pls kill me
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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