He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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