I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
