Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Randomize
