yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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