can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
