At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
