Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
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bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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