My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
