Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
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Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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