I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
