True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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