the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
