and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
