you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
