So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
