A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
