Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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