none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
