the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
