Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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