Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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