Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
