somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
