I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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