by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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