So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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