We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
