and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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