She is in my trunk
I looked at my own cervix.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
