When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
