If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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