Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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