What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
wanna go halves on a baby?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
