Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
