Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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