i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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