Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
