dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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