I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
