sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
