My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
