I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.