if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
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the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
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She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"