I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
