I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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