my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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