Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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