just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
