i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
