I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
