go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
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lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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