Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
