Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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