Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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