I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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