I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
